Well, after writing a post I've now deleted, in which I expressed my theory of artistic influence in such a baroque way that it resulted in an insane conclusion, what I have realized is that this is the end of this blog, for now, until I find myself moved to use it for a different purpose.
What I have realized -- what I have realized -- what I have realized --
I have realized that I listen to my mind too much. And by listening to my mind, which is extremely educated, I listen to your mind, too. The mind of civilization, of power-systems, of religions, of philosophies. And what I have realized is that much of what I have said here is fascinating to me, and which has perhaps taught me a degree of mental athleticism that will suit me in the future in ways I cannot foresee. But really "Cognition" or "Talking" is no kind of cure. As Schopenhauer put it, the art of mental reflection-- philosophy itself-- is compromised by its own concepts. I have prosecuted Jung on the basis of many things, but perhaps the problem is just the nature of psychology itself. To study the psyche? It would seem like it means-- like it adds up to-- the conversion of human nature into technology. It is a death instinct itself, psychoanalysis. And I think about all the ideas I have read, and how they have fucked me up, and made me think stupid things, and I realize that-- I am just incredibly embarrassed by the suggestion made in an earlier post of intellectual displacement as problem-solving that gets reflected back onto the psyche in a profitable way. In rejecting this thesis, in finding it to result in something insane, I reveal for myself the complete bankruptcy of psychology, and that the "simplicity" which permits "complexity" is really human emotionality, the "acognition" of human emotionality.
A lot of spiritual metaphysical thinking led me along a path that led to philosophy and psychology. And in truth that thinking quickly got very disastrous. Because it too is a matter of concepts and fixed ideas which are elevated by way of their correspondence to traditions and symbols. You try to sort all that out with philosophy, you just trade one craziness for another. And what I've written below is very, very crazy, craziness of the most sane sort. And what happened was, all these ideas I developed, well, I turned these objective concepts on the subjective, and I saw, well, this is lunacy. There's some truth to what's being said there, but following the ideas, I can't bake myself a cake. Just like I can't use music theory to write a song-- oh, I could, but it would suck.
And if you can't use music theory to write a song, you can't use philosophy to live your life. Because all your concepts and imaginations are but effects of your experience, and you try to turn them into causes, and it's like you see you're about to kill yourself, to poison yourself. I have so many shitty fixed ideas which I received from things I read which have damaged me, in a way. And it's like Burroughs' idea of a word virus, now I have to develop immunity. Philosophies and religions and psychology are like, trying to use a NES controller to play an N64 game. Your concepts and your cognition just can never, never, never in a million years approach the intricacy of interaction of your body, which is the result of your emotions. And that's what comes out in what I called "aesthetic category" -- something FAR, FAR, FAR more complex that anything the mind ever, ever, ever dreams up. Something which causes the mind.
I art, therefore I am.
So. We are finished being intellectuals, but I believe the benefit of this process has been as follows: the rejection of philosophy, psychology, and religion. Movies and fiction present a more truthful objectivity than any of those. And music and poetry present a more truthful subjectivity, which is just more truthful than objectivity. I do not disavow any art form and remain interested in all of them, but I am no longer interested in the science of existence because it's always wrong. And perhaps the "depth" of that wrongness, of a "psychology," is what increases the amplitude of a "psyche." And no, I'm not advising we return to the woods and start talking to gods and goddesses, or any such ridiculous thing. I'm advising that we follow our heart, our feelings, that we listen to attraction and repulsion, rather than as I said, these elaborate conceptualizations about centrality and so forth. Conceptualizations about who we are, or who others are, are always insanely off-base. As said before, it's only the aesthetic that can give you the information, and from which the information is derived, so why bother with figuring anything out? The outer surface gives it all away, or rather, our feeling for that outer surface.
What seems to have buried elements of myself, or made it hard for me to face myself, is this distortion that has occurred from overthinking, and I think strong emotions need to explode out of me as a consequence of this, for me to see how crazy it all is. How the intellect is all some guilt-complex, some ego-complex, which is known as science, which places things under this rigor without considering what you want or don't want, which I think if you're willing to listen to it, you can figure it out in two seconds. But instead we get attached to our paradigms, and we try to make our feelings justify the paradigms rather than the paradigms justify the feelings. So there's this "Fuck Your Feelings," trope, which is counterposed by an attitude of "Facts Don't Care About Your Feelings." But the facts are as we know different depending on which news station you check in with. As are the ideas. Whether the ideas gel more with the truth or not, I'm sick of them. None of them derive from value.
Valuation, valuation, valuation, how often I have returned to this! And how metaphysically I have tried to argue this into the structure of language. But it's insanity-- the language just returns a dream of knowledge back to you. The real world responds only to that simple element that may respond to its complexity, which is feeling. And that's how we hit the valuation. So it's crazy I'm in this fucking program that is like this complicated, chutes-and-ladders thing about the psyche and I've bought into this crap for so many years, and it's like wow, what a great accomplishment to say "affirmative unconscious," to say that our feelings lurk beneath these complicated edifices of images and thoughts and mathematical patterns which are painted with saints and gods and given the aura of divinity. They are all illusions.
I don't need a better reason than "I want to," because anything beyond that is so arguable. The second that concepts and images leap into the fray beyond "I want to," they just start jumping up and down on that original thing with "I have to," "I should," "I need to." And this is what science is, a whole bunch of crap. A whole bunch of crap because ... each of those statements leads to because. I have to because, I should because, I need to because. I want to because ... I want to. And this is "Desire" in conceptual horseshit, this is opposed to "Moral" thinking. We give this false equivalence between love and indifference. There never was a superego, a super-self. There was barely even a self. There's just that feeling of "I want to." And I don't want to subject myself to this garbage anymore.
I take all these elaborate paradigms and then I swing them down on myself. I try to unravel the "complex" or whatever. And by Jove, what do I find, just that I do not have a cognition in the first place. That cognition is just a huge imagination, that anything occurs as a consequence of cognition is the biggest fantasy in the world. Cognition is not a consequence of imagination, it is an imagination, and imagination is a consequence of valuation, of feeling. In the past I showed that feelings are signified by thoughts and then modified by thoughts. This may be so, but it's not good that thoughts modify feelings. The only thing thoughts are good for is throwing away, at getting rid of all the rigorous neurotic paradigms and then just winging it.
After all a musician does have to practice scales when they learn to play.
Perhaps this is all psychology, philosophy, religion amount to, practicing scales. We have to feel what we are, we have to feel what the world is, we have to feel the nature of the metaphysical universe. Everything else is just convoluted nonsense. And I believe I keep going off on this blog because I don't want to listen to what my feelings are telling me because it's so difficult. They are telling me something hard to hear right now, about what I want and don't want. And I think-- oh I'll write endless philosophy to try to figure it out so that when I go back to that conflict it will be resolved better. And nope, nope, nope, what ends up being the case is that there's nothing to think through, there's just thinking through shit to make it very clear that it's the thinking through shit that is muddying the waters in the first place. I already know the answer, because I felt it. Then my mind starts telling me another story. Well, that story's over. It was fiction.
Let's listen to what my heart is saying, as I once did, as a young person, before my education taught me not to. That's the ultimate affirmation, which casts everything else aside, and which "abstracts" it all together ... yeah, right. It abstracts some of it, but some of it, it just fucking tells it to fuck off, so fuck my bullshit ideas. Feelings move in radical, violent ways with respect to our conceptuality. They tell conceptuality who's boss. You're a fucking road sign who thinks you're a car-- fuck off. Facts don't care about your ideas, because the facts are your feelings, because without those values, that sense of what is good or bad, there is just no point whatsoever in accruing any kind of knowledge or doing any kind of rigorous thinking. The thinking will just amplify on a confused emotional perception if you don't actually check in with that first. Okay. So fuck this noise. Over and out.
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